We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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