my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
