he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
don't judge my taste in strippers
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
