You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
