foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I will pee on everything he values.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
