Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
