i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
