what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
