Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
