2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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