what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Randomize
