forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
drinking out of a sandbucket again
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Randomize
