he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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