Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
