Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
