Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
false alarm, still single
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
