The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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