I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
