I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
