Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
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