you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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