you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
