why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
It's blow job season.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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