I met the friendliest cop last night
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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