Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
