the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
just tell him i said nine months
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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