today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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