You smell like a Billy Joel song
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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