420 ftw
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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