you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
