There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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