im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
no you cant smoke seaweed
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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