i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
