Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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