He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
