you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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