Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
