mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
