i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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