Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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