He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
