There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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