Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Randomize