i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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