I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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