Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
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