Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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