I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
