I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
