I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
