apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
