I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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