We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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