p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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