I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
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