His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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