I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
