woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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