this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize