my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I stole a fireplace last night.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
