i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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