There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
