He asked me if I "almost moaned"
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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